I Don’t Need You

Preface

I think that this scene, originally written on January 17th, 2017, is the last chapter of the story that I call Verity. I don’t see anything beyond it, but quite a bit still needs to be filled in before. At first I was angry about this plot line. There was never supposed to be any romance at all in Verity. The love between Ada and Millie is explicitly non-romantic, but I am explicit about that fact in order to draw a parallel, to show that it is of an intensity usually reserved for stories that are in fact about romance. That was to be the love story behind Verity.

And then one day, once again closing my eyes to visualize what my characters might be doing, I saw Millie and Kimball walking away from me down the sidewalk of what looked like an English village just after dusk. Without pausing or breaking stride, without looking at him or he looking back at her, she reached over a few small inches to grab ahold of his hand, and they continued walking, hand in hand, while the scene faded to black. Upon opening my eyes my only reaction was for fuck’s sake this is not supposed to be a romance! But that’s what they wanted, and who was I to argue. In the end I’m happy about it, though, because I really like this scene. It feels a little bit hurried – I’d like to draw it out more, even if only because I don’t want it to be over so quickly.

Another Ending, Another Beginning

Millie opened her eyes slowly to the soft filtered morning light passing through the bedroom curtains. Already Kimball was awake, lying next to her, gazing at her face with an innocent and joyous reverence. She smiled softly, her eyes drooping, under the warm duvet naked, half awake. Her smile and her languid stretching conveyed a voluptuous and vulnerable joy as she remembered the night before, waking to find it was more than just a delicious dream. Even with her unkempt hair, without makeup the wrinkles around her eyes clearly visible, even still she was radiant, maybe not despite but because.

Smiling again to realize that Kimball was looking so intently at her, she said to him, her moist lips giving her slowly and softly spoken words a sensual and dreamy edge, “I don’t need you.”

“Oh?” Kimball sucked in his breath, completely taken aback by this unexpected pronouncement. “Oh,” he continued, quickly regaining his composure, quickly realizing that their momentous discovery of Ada’s sister had not brought some kind of closure to Millie’s obsessive mission and their romantic holding pattern, had not provided space for a transition to something more permanent. “Okay.”

He looked away, trying to hide his hurt and disappointment. Of course nothing had been promised. He had no right to expect anything more than what had been offered and what had been given thus far. And yet he had hoped for so much more, so very much more.

Millie’s eyes flew wide open as she immediately recognized that she had misspoken, that what was so obvious to her was not what her words conveyed.

“Shit! No! That’s not what I mean!”

“No, honest, it’s fine,” Kimball tried to head off any further discussion, which would surely only make him feel even more wretched.

“No.” She said. “Listen.” She reached to touch the cheek that he had turned away from her, pulled him back, forced him to look at her. “I don’t need you. I… I could survive on my own. If you left, I could find a way to be happy, and still love you, and want you to be happy, too, wherever you were. I think I could do that, and I can’t even begin to tell you how important that is to me. It’s everything. But the thing is, I want you. God, Kimball, I just really want you. It’s just… it’s so much better with you here. And I think that, without needing you, I think I can let myself have you, really have you. I mean, for as long as you’ll have me. If you’ll have me.”

The sudden shift as her words started to sink in left Kimball once again in a moment of confusion. He blinked several times and opened his mouth to speak, closed it again, unable to put together any words. He continued to look in Millie’s eyes, which for their part read hope, love, and concern. A few heartbeats later her words registered, and the tears of loss that Kimball was fighting back now welled in relief.

“Of course. Yes. Of course!” he forced a wet smile and kissed Millie clumsily and awkwardly and with too much force, their noses bumping together. They both laughed a short laugh, his in apology, hers in understanding. They looked in each other’s glistening eyes for quite some time, saying nothing.

“Lies es in meinen Augen…” murmured Millie, finally breaking the silence.